I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
