what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
