i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Oh god it's open bar.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
