I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
