Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
