Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize