I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish i was in the wii world.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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