I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
