as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
