i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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