I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think my moral compass just broke
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
