he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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