If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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