Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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