I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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