I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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