I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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