i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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