I think I won the penis lottery.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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