I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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