i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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