This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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