It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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