I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
