dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
