Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
