Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
