I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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