another moral hangover. fuck.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
