I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
