does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
