after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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