I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have fence marks all over my body
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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