Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
