Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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