Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
