Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
