my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Boobs speak an international language.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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