he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize