i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My vagina just clenched in fear
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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