all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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