Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Two words: nipple clamps
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