You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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