I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
