I hate all girls vehemently.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
