just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
