were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
