god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
