oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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