He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
