I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
