I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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