I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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