I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
