dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
