i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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