I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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